Revamped
by PoisonLights
Summary: Bella loves Edward. And then she doesn't. And then she does. A parody of sorts.


_A/N: What did I just do. Enjoy, I guess. I might do a chapter in Edward's POV, but I dunno. Probably not. As for now this is COMPLETE._

* * *

**Chapter I**

**Bella**

28

Rage consumed me, overwhelming any feeling of grief, love, or loss. Her disgusting face wall all I could see, that terrible smirk, and I wanted nothing more than to rip that smug look off of her and keep her from doing anything even remotely similar to this ever again.

I wanted to kill her.

It was no choice I made, but instinct. Racing closer to her side, I moved faster than I had ever moved before. As the gap between us grew smaller, her eyes grew wider, and by the time we collided with a sickening crunch, her face was flooded with shock. There was a smile on my face as I destroyed her, ripping her apart piece by piece, and discarded her broken form into the fire that already was releasing thick clouds of pungent smoke.

My smile grew wider as I saw the shocked forms lurking in the shadows. Vampires, five of them. My satisfaction grew as I killed each one of them in much the same way she had gone.

They were all dead, and I could survey my surroundings, which were of little importance now. At least I tried to, but the strong feelings of grief and sadness now filled every fiber of my being. It was pain so extraordinary that I struggled to remain standing, to remain staring into the fire.

Would this pain end? Could it end? Because I wanted nothing more that to have nothing, to feel nothing, to be nothing.

Hadn't I told myself I'd complete my task?

Or I'd die trying?

first

I hated Forks with a passion. There was nothing here for me. Sure, my dad lived here, but I hated being around him because our interactions tended to be extremely awkward. And it rained constantly. If there was anything I hated more than rain, it was cold weather. It was cold here, too – a glance out of my depressing bedroom window revealed a thin layer of ice on the drive. Yet I had chosen this life for myself.

I couldn't come to regret it, though. Even though my mother, who as far as I knew had some sort of brain disease, and her twenty-something boyfriend, were literally unable to care for themselves without my aid, I didn't want to be burdened with taking care of them on the road. Phil, my mom's boyfriend, travelled a lot, and travelling with them was bound to get exhausting. I shouldn't be towed along with them to be their chaperone.

Still, I worry about my mother. She won't be able to fend for herself. But I'd rather be in Forks, the place I hate the most, than be a travelling caretaker for my mom. Out of Forks, travelling, and raising my mother, I hate Forks the least.

So moving to Forks was really my only option.

Maybe I would't hate it, but that was highly unlikely, because I probably wouldn't expend any effort at all into liking this place.

2

This school was horrible – there were a whole bunch of buildings instead of just one, so I had to walk around outside. Which, of course, I hated. Considering my abysmal sense of direction, I was genuinely surprised that I hadn't made my way to Canada yet.

There were approximately ten people that went to this school. That's not how it was at home – there were tons of people at home. And there, I never made one friend. Not even one. And I had no acquaintances, either. I didn't know anybody. If I never made any friends surrounded by so many people at home, how was I expected to make any friends now? Life sucked.

However, there were some strange people that went to this school. Five people were ridiculously good-looking. They were so good looking that I doubted they were even human. I had never, not once in my life, ever seen anyone that was remotely as good looking as these people.

Wondering why these extremely, breathtakingly, amazingly beautiful people were in a hellhole like Forks, I asked Jessica, an annoyingly talkative girl, about them, wondering if she would have any gossip.

And she did.

She told me not to waste my time with them, because they were only good enough for themselves. They didn't like anyone who wasn't beautiful, so they started dating each other. They weren't technically related, though, so that made it acceptable for them to get married to the people who had been raised as siblings. Edward, the most attractive of the amazingly attractive group, was the odd one out. So he might lower his standards to date a regular human.

That was all coming from Jessica, though, and I didn't know how reliable she was. She seemed like the gossipy type, and her sources were questionable.

Nevertheless, I had my sights set on Edward. He was beautiful, and I could feel my love for him developing already.

3

Unfortunately for me, it was apparent that Edward despised me. When I walked into Biology and sat next to him, he turned away from me, as if he had smelled something disgusting. I might not have been as stunningly attractive as his siblings, but I couldn't be that ugly, could I? Did my appearance offend him that much, or had I forgotten to put on deodorant that morning?

Well, there went my chances of being with Edward.

Though I hated almost all aspects of my new life in Forks, I didn't hate Jacob Black. His dad, Billy, and my dad are friends, and whenever I visited Forks in my youth, I would spend time with Jacob to make my life a shade less miserable.

Thoroughly miserable now that Edward had rejected me, I drove to Jacob's house in the crappy truck my dad had purchased for me. Even though it was crappy, I secretly liked it. I just didn't want to admit to myself that I wasn't completely unhappy.

Jacob was in his garage. It turned out he was building a car, which I guessed was a little interesting. I knew nothing about cars, so this didn't really excite me that much. Not as much as five impossible perfect human-like creatures.

Since I was still depressed that Edward hadn't immediately introduced himself and become obsessed with me like every other person in the school, I asked Jacob about Edward and his family, the Cullens.

Jacob said the people at La Push didn't like the Cullens. I could imagine why, because the Cullens seemed very self-righteous and standoffish, but I wanted to hear what Jacob had to say.

It turns out that the people of La Push didn't hate the Cullen's self-centeredness, but hated the clan of impossibly good-looking people because they weren't really people.

They were vampires.

I didn't believe that, of course, because I was too smart. Instead, I just believed that the people of La Push were jealous of the Cullen's stunning looks.

4

The rest of my week sucked, obviously. Even though every boy at school liked me, which is a change from Arizona where no boy liked me, Edward was gone. The only explanation was they I was so ugly that he had to move away He just couldn't handle it.

The rest of the Cullens stayed, though. I guess they hadn't noticed me. But when they did, I'd be willing to bet that they'd all be running out of the country. Because I must be that hideous.

The weekend drew near, and Saturday finally arrived, but I wasn't excited at all. I was too depressed. I had no friends, so what was I supposed to do? All I had to look forward was cooking for my incompetent father, who had somehow survived seventeen years of eating canned food, and not doing laundry, because somehow the fool didn't know how to do laundry, either. What was wrong with the man? He had lived alone for almost two decades – how did he not know any household skills?

Then I realized that Jacob could make me feel better, because after I'd left his house on Tuesday, I was feeling decidedly less dejected.

Jacob was valuable. I'd never have to buy a prescription for valium if I kept him around.

5

When I arrived in the cafeteria, I honestly did not expect to see Edward sitting next to his siblings, staring so intensely at me that I thought he could see into my soul. Was he trying to read my mind?

Even more surprising, he introduced himself in Biology, and apologized for being absent. And he was very charming, and a bit of my empty soul crumbled and was replaced with a swell of love for this stunning boy.

Edward was perfect, and there was no denying now that I loved him.

6

Later, I relayed to Jacob how much I loved Edward. He told me I was being neurotic. I should remember, he said, that the Cullens weren't to be reckoned with.

I wasn't going to listen to Jacob, though. He was only good because hanging out with him had the same effect of being on drugs. The effect I enjoyed, but that didn't mean I had to listen.

7

To my great surprise, and the surprise of every girl in the school, Edward invited me to sit with him at lunch. He and his siblings were seemingly anorexic, because they ate nothing and were very thin, but I goaded Edward into taking a single bite of pizza.

He also watched me stuff my face, but I loved him so much that I didn't care if he thought I was gross.

And he apparently didn't think I was gross, because he asked me out of a date. A date! Aside from three boys I'd turned down last week, nobody had asked me on a date before!

And it was Edward who asked me. We were well on the path to marriage now – I was extremely excited.

8

Jacob wasn't pleased with the news.

He suggested I didn't go on my date with Edward.

I suggested he get a life.

9

Even though Edward was one of the smartest people who existed, he could be awfully stupid sometimes. He could probably find the cure to cancer, and stop global warming, and explain the origins of the universe. In fact, he probably knew how to do those things already. But he could still be an impossible idiot.

"Do you still want to go on a date, Saturday?"

Of course I still wanted to go on that date. I was in love with him. He should have realized that by now.

10

I felt bad about being rude to Jacob, so I visited him. Plus, being away from him was like being in withdrawal from antidepressants. I apologized. And what really surprised me was that I told him I believed him, about the Cullens being vampires.

It was the only explanation.

People just weren't that perfect.

11

Edward's family went hiking a lot. I found this hard to believe – why would they go hiking? I couldn't imagine Alice in a flannel shirt and jeans, sitting around a campfire and roasting a hotdog on a stick.

I personally despised hiking. Or any physical activity at all.

Edward didn't know me that well, apparently, because he decided to take me hiking on our date. I suppose I'm lucky not have worn a skirt, or life could have been really sucking right now. Still, that didn't mean I didn't hate hiking – I'd probably fall and embarrass myself.

As long as I was with Edward, though, I was happy. Even if that meant hiking.

The hike wasn't that long – a couple of miles at most. But we going at an incredibly slow pace – I knew I would fall if I went faster. I didn't want to humiliate myself in front of Edward.

After a we'd been hiking for a while, and I had started to pant and Edward had started to look even more beautiful, Edward asked me if I had told anyone that I was going on a date with him, like I was supposed to.

I told him no. This, apparently, was the wrong choice, because his eyes flashed with anger.

I said I trusted him, and that was the wrong thing to say too.

"You shouldn't trust me, Bella."

That was odd. I did trust him, but why didn't he think I shouldn't? Was it because he was supernatural?

I told him again that I trusted him. Why would there be a need to tell anyone where I was going?

He didn't answer that.

I then asked why he'd ask me on a date if I shouldn't trust him.

He said it was a lapse in judgment.

Then it was lapse in judgment to confirm the date? To pick me up this morning? To be walking here with me now?

Yes, yes, yes.

I still trust you.

You shouldn't.

I do.

You should turn back, right now. Get back in your truck, and never spend time with me again.

No.

Yes.

But I love you.

But you _shouldn't,_ he said with a roar.

Terrified, I backed away. My ankle caught on a root, and I fell to the ground, catching my fall with my arm.

My arm burned.

_I'm sorry._

I backed away, kicking leaves and pine straw in the air in my attempt to flee.

_I'm sorry. _

Edward's worried face appeared over mine. And then it changed.

_I'm sorry._

And then, there was black.

12

Agony.

I could think two things:

I am in agony;

And

I'd rather be dead.

13

When I had woken up, it was as if I had bad eyesight all of my life, and I had finally been given glasses.

That, or I was on some powerful hallucinogens, because apparently the light spectrum went on further than I thought, or I was just able to see gamma rays or something.

I could see well, but that couldn't distract me from the fact that I was pissed off.

I knew he was there. Edward, I mean.

I could smell him.

With my new, freaky nose.

I'd knew what he'd done to me.

He'd turned me into a vampire.

He was sitting across from me.

Looking apologetic.

I wasn't going to accept anything from him.

Then Edward was coming towards me, trying to touch my face. When I swatted him away, I was pleased to see that I hurt him – he flew into a tree.

He told me he loved me.

I told him I hated him.

Then he told me he'd take me to his family, and I thought that was too late. Too late for me to be part of his life.

Nevertheless, I went along with him, because I had no idea how I was supposed to go back to my old life now.

14

I remember Jessica had introduced them all on my first day of school, but trying to remember anything that had happened before was like trying to read a book in the dark.

And anyway, all of their faces looked different now.

Jasper was the blond one. Emmett was the muscular one. Alice was the small one. Rosalie was the pretty one. And there were two more who I had never seen before.

Jasper grabbed Edward by his shoulder, and the seam between the seam ripped. I heard a grinding, like stone rubbing against stone.

He said that Edward had promised not to do anything like this. He promised not to turn anyone. And he'd have to leave now, because he'd broken the rule. And if he couldn't follow such an important rule, how was he supposed to take care of a newborn vampire?

Edward said he wasn't going to leave.

Jasper said Edward had better leave, or he was going to die.

And the thing escalated until Alice was screaming, and the rest of the Cullens remained stony faced. We all remained in relative closeness to the porch while Jasper and Edward fought, getting deeper and deeper into the woods.

I wondered why no one bothered to stop them.

I wondered why _I_ did't bother to stop them.

I heard impossible cracks.

And eventually, I saw a plume of smoke decorating the sky about a mile back.

I knew that one of them had died, and I hoped it hadn't been Jasper.

15

Jasper and Alice were gone.

Jasper was dead.

Nobody knew where Alice went.

It had made sense that she would flee, though. How could anyone stand to be near Edward? All he did was destroy.

16

It turned out that I hated Rosalie, because in the midst of my Worst Day Ever, she approached me like it was _my _fault that I was now a disgusting Vampire creature.

You should have stayed away from Edward, she said.

I didn't know he'd kill me, I said.

You didn't want to be a vampire, she clarified.

You think I would want this?

And she widened her eyes, surprised. Stupid girl. But I hated her a little less now. She didn't want her life either, so at least we had an understanding of sorts.

17

The demon crawling at my throat was actually thirst. Now, whenever I was thirsty, it felt as if my throat was simultaneously burning and being sliced apart.

Emmett said he'd take me hunting.

Which actually sucked, because animal blood tasted just how I thought it would taste: disgusting.

But then there was the best smell ever. And before I had known what I was doing, two hikers were dead at my feet.

I had killed them, and I had enjoyed it.

And it had been so much better than animal blood.

This is what I was meant for now.

18

Edward was beyond angry that I had killed two people.

He told me I couldn't leave the property without his supervision.

I sat in the forest by the creek all night, wishing I could sleep.

I hated Edward with all of my being.

19

It was sunny in the morning, which meant I was sparkling.

It was like how Edward's skin sparkled.

Edward was a monster. A monster whose skin sparkled

And now my skin sparkled, too.

And I had no idea why. What benefit did this have? I was already faster and stronger than any living thing on the planet. Aside from that, I didn't need anything. I didn't need beauty. And I didn't need to sparkle. Yet I did these things anyway.

I thought about visiting Jacob just to spite Edward.

I missed him a little, too. Not just because he was my antidepressant, but because he was also my friend.

20

Jacob was mad at me.

He saw me sparkling.

And then, he tried to kill me.

Because I had betrayed him.

Because I was no longer Bella.

Because I was just a vampire.

Then I said that I hated who I was, and I hated Edward. And Jacob changed a little. His face softened, and he said he was sorry.

He was apologizing to me.

He didn't have to – he never had a chance in killing me in the first place.

Now, he sympathized with me. And I missed being a human so much.

My friendship with Jacob could never be the same. None of my relationships would ever be the same. What would my mother do without me? And Charlie? I was sure he'd be alright, but he'd be badly malnourished.

21

Jacob had a plan to kill me. It didn't work, obviously.

Somehow, Edward had found out about this plan.

And, the idiot that he was, Edward thought Jacob was a genuine threat.

Or maybe he was trying to punish me for spiting him.

Whatever his reason, Jacob was dying, and it was Edward's fault.

And I was holding him in my arms, attempting to be delicate.

And the lure of his blood wasn't right. It was almost animal.

I was focused entirely on Jacob, my only friend.

Before he died, Jacob looked at me, fear evident on his face.

_I'm sorry._

And I closed his eyes.

22

I hate you more than you could ever know.

Okay.

I'm leaving.

I am, too.

You had better not be following me.

I doubt we're going to the same place.

Good.

23

Jacob was dead.

Edward wasn't who I thought he was.

I couldn't go to either for comfort, so I went to my mom.

My mom would know what to do in this situation.

My mom would make it better.

My absentminded mom.

But she didn't know what to do, because she was scared of me. A fast, strong, deadly version of her daughter.

And, like with the hikers, I barely had to do anything but smell her blood before she was dead, and crimson was everywhere.

Blood was hard to resist.

I killed my own mother for it.

My blood, Edward said, was very delicious. It smelled nicer than anything he'd ever encountered.

And he had resisted it, until I had fallen in the woods, and bled.

He had started drinking my blood, and he hadn't killed me.

He'd managed to keep enough blood in me to turn me into a vampire.

And here I was.

And I didn't appreciate him.

I had told him I hated him.

I didn't hate him.

I had to tell him that I didn't hate him.

I still loved him.

24

Conveniently enough, after my realization that happened after I murdered my mother, Alice called me.

And she told me that Edward was planning on killing himself in order to please me. Because I was so obviously disgusted with him. He didn't want to live in a world in which I didn't love him, because he loved me. And unrequited love is hard to live with.

Honestly, I felt horrible, because I understood Edward now.

But wasn't he an idiot – did he never foresee the idea of me warming up to him? Why would he have to kill himself in order to make me happy?

All the same, I was high-tailing it to Italy.

Because in Italy, Alice said, there was a group of vampires who would be more than willing to kill Edward.

25

I was on a mission, and there was nothing that could stop me. I was going to find Edward, and tell him that it wasn't his fault that I was a vampire.

Maybe it was destiny.

Maybe I was made to be a vampire.

And maybe we were made to be together.

And I was going to let Edward know that.

Or I would die trying.

26

It wasn't difficult to track Edward down.

I figured he'd be with Alice.

And it wasn't that hard to determine that Alice was a turncoat – it was glaringly obvious.

Alice's closest connection was with Jasper.

Edward had killed Jasper, ending that connection.

Alice ran away. Alice was bitter. And Alice just so happened to know that Edward was planning on offing himself. And Alice just so happened to want to let me know.

And Alice just so happened to want revenge.

I wasn't stupid.

She couldn't fool me.

But I also didn't feel like I was walking into a trap, because I clearly wasn't. I knew what I was doing.

I was going to find Edward, or die trying.

27

It was a room.

A large room.

But the low ceiling made it seem smaller.

Like there was a weight pressing down on my chest.

And the fireplace made it seem more so.

And then I saw Edward, kneeling in front of Alice.

And I saw Alice's hands on either side of his face.

And Alice jerked her hands.

And Edward's head was no longer attached to his body.

It was now in the fireplace.

I could feel my heart, sitting still in my chest. It wasn't beating, of course, but it felt like it should have been.

I felt a pang of sadness for my lost humanity.

And Edward's lost existence.

But mostly, I just felt angry.

I would avenge Edward, or die trying.

last

I wasn't that hard to wipe them out.

What was hard was looking in the fire, and seeing the bodies burn.

What was hard was knowing that I had failed.

What was hard was knowing my future with Edward had just slipped through my fingers.

What was hard was knowing that I loved him.

And what was hard was that Edward never knew how I had forgiven him.

I had tried.

And now it was time I died.

I jumped.

And I burned.

* * *

A/N: In case you couldn't tell, _yes_, this was a joke.


End file.
